The Demon Editor LeChuck
by Seijax
Summary: What exactly does LeChuck do in between games? Is there some secret dimension he goes to where he can plot his next attack? Or does he have a part time job? And why does Minesweeper have more fanfic on this site than Monkey Island? Answers to all these questions—well, some of these questions—inside. (Complete)


Title: The Demon Editor LeChuck

Author: Seijax

Rating: K+ for LeChuck's brand of crude humor. Also he threatens people with dismemberment and torture. A lot.

Summary: What exactly does LeChuck do in between games? Is there some secret dimension he goes to where he can plot his next attack? Or does he have a part time job? And why does Minesweeper have more fanfic on this site than Monkey Island? Answers to all these questions—well, some of these questions—inside.

Disclaimer: Monkey Island is the property of Disney. No infringement is intended, this is simply a story written for fun.

* * *

"Not again!" Dejected was not a word one would usually associate with the undead pirate LeChuck. Neither, of course, were "polite", "gentleman", "handsome", and "Elaine Marley's husband" but that didn't stop him from trying. But in this particular instance he was not facing defeat from one of the more unbelievable pirates the Caribbean had to offer…he was looking at a desk covered with paperwork in a dark corner of the guild headquarters for fanfiction writers.

Betty, superintendent of this particular floor of the guild, frowned at him. She was a tall, no-nonsense, angular woman with severe brown eyes and gray hair pulled back into a tight bun. "We have an agreement, Mr. Chuck. I will lobby for your many continued resurrections, and in return you will screen writers looking to join our guild. It's not a very busy job as we don't have many applicants for your particular universe, but someone needs to sit at the desk and make sure no one unqualified applies."

"But it's boring," the ghost/zombie/demon/voodoo/sore loser pirate complained. "Surely ye have something that needs destroyed."

"It's the applicants or limbo, Mr. Chuck. Extermination's already been taken, as has building maintenance. We've already discussed this."

LeChuck settled gingerly into the chair behind the desk. At least it held his weight. "Are you sure—"

"No more of that! Get to work, I hear an applicant coming!"

He grumbled a little under his breath about no-good she-demon librarians as he pulled a form out from under his skull-shaped paperweight. He had started to fill in the date and time when the hesitant footsteps reached his desk.

"Um…oh, wow."

Ah, yes. His favorite part. LeChuck made a great show of freezing in place, then transforming into demon form as he slowly brought his head up to look at the applicant. "What?"

Only LeChuck could put that much malice into a single syllable, he thought to himself.

"Um…I'm, uh…" a little girl stood before him, probably no more than fourteen years old. She had gone pale—the pallor of the truly terrified rather than that of someone who never saw the sun.

"Yeeeesss?" Another syllable made evil by the unstoppable LeChuck.

"Here," she shoved a handful of papers at him. Guild application, fanfiction reference, first story summary…the typical papers he saw from guild applicants.

"What have we here," he muttered, leaving the frightened girl standing as he paged through her story summary. "Let's see…thirteen years after Tales of Monkey Island…Guybrush and Elaine's daughter…new evil menace terrorizing the Caribbean? NEW EVIL MENACE?" The flames in his hair and beard exploded as the terrified girl scurried back.

"No one, NO ONE, but LeChuck terrorizes the Caribbean! NO ONE!"

"But-but I thought—"

"AND ANOTHER THING! Melody Arcana Threepwood? This be the Caribbean, not Final Fantasy!"

"It's a cool name!" she protested.

"So is Bellatrix Lestrange but I've never approved a Harry Potter crossover!" LeChuck roared. He hadn't, had he? After that last defeat he'd been a bit woozy...time to look through his records and see if there was anyone who needed killing (other than Threepwood, of course).

"I was just being creative," she was whining now, having finally regained enough nerve to try to pull her papers back out of LeChuck's grasp.

"Creative, were ye? Ye'll hang by yer toes in me brig until your eyes bleed before I call this slop creative!"

"It's not that bad…"

"I wouldn't even torture Threepwood with this dribble, and I've carved an epic poem into his skin with a rusted bottlecap!" That was a good one. LeChuck made a mental note for his next incarnation.

"You-you can't stop me!"

"CAN'T I?!" LeChuck tore the papers out of the girl's hands, the sudden shift sending her tumbling to the rocky floor. "The fires of hell are too good for this!"

Contrary to his word, LeChuck set the girl's application on fire.

"I will not have my reign of terror tainted by the slightest association to this…this…_thing_!" On the last word, he shifted to his zombie phase and took great pleasure in the way the girl flinched back from the smell.

"But that's not fair!" she cried.

"Noooo?" LeChuck drew the word out—slightly less evilly than before, but still very evil. "Then maybe ye would like to fill out a new application? The blank forms are right here on my desk," he gestured to the stack of papers under the paperweight.

The girl, clearly fighting back tears and trying to look both indignant and penitent (and only managing to look mildly allergic to Zombie LeChuck) reached for one of the blank forms.

"BOO!"

The talking skull was too much for her. Shrieking, she fled into the darkness, leaving the two most evil beings in the world cackling behind her.

"You do realize she's probably taking that idea over to _Kingdom Hearts_ next, don't you?" Murray the Demonic Talking Skull commented after a few minutes of evil laughter.

"They let anyone in over there," LeChuck snorted. "I'm sure 'Melody Arcana' will fit right in."

"Bwahahahahaha! I want to screen the next one!"

* * *

_Isn't it funny what you can find on your hard drive? This one had been sitting there for almost two years. Figured it was time for it to see the light of day...even though it's a truly terrible story. I apologize deeply for this. I will now log in to my Skyrim game and leap from the Throat of the World in penance._


End file.
